I like to create moments and tender conversations that feel like they came straight out of a movie or book. Sometimes, I intentionally throw in what I consider to be significant one-liners and comments, because I feel they help "add to the essence of the moment". Whatever that means.
So this morning in the shower, as I was reflecting on how much I love my husband, I decided to create such a scripted feeling, tender moment, and called him over. I peeked my head out from inside the shower and pursed my lips to give him a sweet kiss.
"What are you doing?" he said, "what do you want?"
He eyed me suspiciously and cautiously moved closer.
I could feel the little bubbly, happy feel good movie moment dissolving.
I shook my head and sighed, "I just want to give you a kiss!"
He moved closer and allowed me to kiss him, as he kept his eyes wide giving a goofy face.
Definitely not a movie scripted moment!
But it got me thinking about how when I was younger I had this idea of how my perfect partner would be. How we would act together, interact with each other, and live on a day to day basis. I can assure you, the reality of my relationship is not anywhere close to what I imagined in my youth. Even our imagined arguments were sweet and endearing or intense but followed by even more intense apologies. And I have had past relationships where it sometimes felt as though we were creating those moments, and lived in that world. But those relationships didn't last. And the reason why, is because deep down, it wasn't what I wanted.
Maybe I thought it was, but each relationship I tried to have that with steadily progressed from okay, to bad, to the absolute worst.
Now I'm not saying you can't have that and be happy, I'm just saying, for me, that was only what I thought would be my happy. And what actually was, turned out to be something quite different.
Something that I doubt a person would observe and then feel so moved they would write a romance novel or create a movie about us. But that's okay.
So what prompted all these thoughts? Well, I read this post: Almost Everyone Who is Single is Single for the Same Reason and I started thinking about it and decided I agreed with the author's sentiments.
Early on in my engagement, before we were officially engaged, but after I had decided I wanted to be with him forever, and I could really see myself marrying him, I found a page in my journal from when I was roughly 13 years old. This page contained a list. A list of all the things I wanted in my future husband.
I read it and experienced a not as brief as I care to admit moment of panic.
Two qualities in particular seemed to yell at me from the page:
Musical
Plays the guitar
These seemed like REALLY BIG important things to my 19 year old self. Up until that point, I didn't date guys who weren't musicians. Not really anyway.
Music was just too important and integral a part of my life. It would be impossible for me to be happy with someone who couldn't appreciate it the way I did. Right?
And here I was about to marry a man that was probably the least musical person I had ever met.
But what I had started to realize as I got older, and pursued relationships with musical men, is that they just weren't working for me. There was something in the relationship that just never felt right.
And now that I am married to my sweetheart, I can tell you without a doubt that hearing his strained voice singing along to our song, "Hey There Delilah", is sweeter and more romantic to me than any heartfelt melody a skilled musician could play me. Hearing him struggle and fumble with "words" because he knows they are important to me, and he wants to show me he cares, is so much more significant to me, than having a skilled charismatic speaker string out the words that may come easily and naturally- but perhaps hold little substance.
I guess what I'm saying is- don't let the list be more important than the person.
What I thought would have been a deal-breaker, has turned out to be not really that big a deal in our relationship. I still play the piano for hours some days, break out my cello every now and again, or just sing my heart out with the kids. And it's fine. Music is still a significant part of my life, and I'm a significant part of my husband's life. And so it works. And there is still music in our home and in our family- perhaps in an even more tender way than otherwise would have been.
There are some qualities that should probably be true deal breakers in life. And definitely things that could be red flags- but I think we need to give ourselves a break and take some of the pressure off of love in general.
My husband foils my moviescript romance attempts, and that's okay. He doesn't pickup on the nuances of "scripted love". But at the end of the day, it makes our relationship feel more genuine to me. Because I know he is portraying what he really feels and not what a culture may tell us love should look like. He doesn't love music, but will sing with an endearing reckless abandon with me and I love it. We have days where I don't particularly feel like I like him, and he certainly feels the same. We have a love that is far from cookie cutter perfect, and it isn't always easy, but it is worth it. And it is better than anything I could have imagined or written out on a list.
To drive the point home, I was going to end with a list of qualities that my husband DOES have. Both the good and the bad. But I think instead, I'll do a list of my qualities. Because I also have my flaws but I think I'm also pretty great!
So here's (some of) the bad:
Stubborn
Inattentive
Impatient
Loud
Emotional
Overbearing
Needy
And here's (some of) the good:
Tender
Caring
Emotional
Hard-working
Money conscious
Intuitive
Funny
Notice some of these things can go either way. Sometimes our favorite qualities in each other, also can be our least favorite on a bad day!
So what I'm saying here is let's try not to dismiss a person- be it in a romantic relationship, or a friendship- just because they may possess some unlikable qualities, or lack certain admirable qualities. The truth is, once you know someone- truly know them- the unlikable traits will be apparent no matter what, because we all have them. Love is about taking the whole package, good with the bad, and seeing the beauty in it all.
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