So here I am

almost 37 weeks pregnant! Wow! I think everytime I write I talk about how I can't believe how quickly the time has gone by, but seriously I can't believe it!

I have a feeling the next few weeks will probably drag on but I'm still so close to my due date that it's just like, whoa this is really happening!

Lately Jack and I have both really been wanting a puppy. I'm sure this is because we're both anxious for the baby to get here and so we're channeling that into this other thing that is easier to obtain and just be like- bam, here it is. I'm having to play the role of the logical one and it's getting harder and harder to say no whenever Jack asks to get one. But the baby will be here soon and I know once he comes, we'll both forget all about wanting a dog for at least a little while.

As my due date draws closer I'm more nervous about having a terrible delivery experience. I just have this feeling like I'm going to go way over my due date. My baby is too comfy where he's at or something hah. I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm hoping the doctor will say that I'm dilated but I really doubt it. I'm really thinking that I'll probably end up having to be induced.

I've had a lot of time to think about it and these are my biggest fears for the delivery day:

Passing out during labor

Having to have a c-section

Baby being +8 pounds

Having to be induced

Tearing really badly

Being in labor for an extremely long period of time

Going into labor when Jack isn't around and having to drive myself to the hospital- (I just think that would suck)

The list can go on and on but these are the things that worry me most. Not to mention the headache the bills will be after.

But all these things are unfortunately, beyond my control so all I can do is wait and see what happens.

The nursery is basically done which I'm excited about, there are a few finishing touches but I'm pleased with the layout and everything and relieved to have gotten it done.

Things are coming together and I'm actually really starting to fall in love with our house. It's funny how there were so many things about it that bothered me before, but now as we make slight changes here and there I can really see us raising a kid in it and having a nice little family. Of course when baby #2 comes (don't worry it won't be for awhile!) we'll have to definitely reevaluate our living situation if we haven't already by then.

That's all for now, I'll probably update after my doc appointment tomorrow.

The best thing in the world may possibly be...

hearing your husband singing, "April's great, makes us peach pie" to the tune of that song from Bill Cosby's "Chocolate Cake". Seriously, it was adorable.

I just realized I didn't blog about our anniversary weekend. It was really nice, we went to Manti and stayed in a small hotel/motel? We had a good time just playing games and exploring the town and spending time together. I'm really bummed that I forgot to take any pictures though. The next day we went to the temple and had a great experience.

But, while I was there, I all of a sudden started feeling really dizzy and faint and couldn't hear anyone and was about to pass out. I felt pretty crappy for awhile and Jack and I left and I sat in the grass in the shade while he went to the car to get me some fruit. I was freaking out when he got back because I looked down and there was blood all over my legs! Turns out I had just scraped my leg on a tree branch but it was pretty scary.

So that was probably the most exciting thing that happened.

Jack has a new routine of asking me every morning, "are you going to have a baby today?" before he leaves for work. I think it's kinda cute but I don't think the baby is coming quite yet. We shall see.

I stumbled across some old pictures of myself the other day...

can you believe this was me 9 months ago?

Looking at this and other pictures (which I dare not share ahaha) I have decided I am going to get my body back after this baby is born. I shall do it!

I've even started writing my Christmas list (a little early I know but hey this is what i do) and the number one thing on it is a gym membership.

And now for the most exciting news of the day! *drumroll* I BOUGHT MY STROLLER YESTERDAY!!



It's on its way and I am soo soo excited! Thank you to my parents who are paying for it <3

I found a great deal online to buy it brand new, cheaper than a lot of them on KSL and craigslist even so I'm really excited because it's new, I know I can return it if I need to, and it's going to be all mine (um and the baby's)! Hehehe

I'm still tired ALL the time but I found that if I just go outside and walk around a little bit even if I have nowhere to go that day I feel at least a little bit better.
Working from home is kind of draining but I like being able to scrapbook and stuff while I'm working.

Speaking of work, I have less than 30 minutes before I need to log on so I will end this post here. Tah!

Too tired to have friends

I know this sounds awful but lately I've been wanting to get together a group of people to play games and stuff but whenever I have some free time I'm just too tired and don't feel like it!

This would maybe be different if the house wasn't also so unorganized because then I wouldn't feel the added obligation of cleaning before inviting friends over, but I'm not entirely sure if it would make a difference because I have been super tired lately.

I need to find my bella band :'/ I bought it in like my first trimester and I didn't really use it because I thought it was kinda pointless but now it would be nice to have. The doctor said stuff like that helps with the pain in my groin because it keeps the baby supported a little more so it's not like weighing down on me so much.

I'm still hunting for a stroller and now I'm just not sure what to do. I was kinda annoyed that my mom waited until the last minute to tell me that I actually do have a budget for the stroller when before I didn't but whatever. So now I'm just trying to think of what some options are and looking online to see if anyone is selling the kinds I'm interested in. A few good leads so far but nothing has been definite.

I was really excited to get a daybed frame for $5, I really wanted one for the baby's room so the bed wouldn't look so much like a bed. Now the only problem is trying to arrange the furniture in there in a way that looks good. I try to move stuff around to see but again I get really worn out so I can only move it once or twice before I give up and decide to try another day.
The reason this is such a challenge is because there are only two places for the crib to go- because I don't want the crib to be by a window because I know that those are older windows and a lot draftier and I want the baby to stay warm.

So I'm thinking right now I can leave the room as I have it until like April and then rearrange it so it looks better when the weather starts to get warm, or try to figure it out some more. I think tomorrow I'm going to make a little floor plan and try to draw it all out first and see what I come up with.

The family tree decal is up on the wall, looking back I should have waited to put it up but I thought that the furniture layout was complete, until I got the daybed frame which extended the bed too much which blocked the walking path to the closet so i had to rearrange everything agian, but anyway, yeah. I'm just going to work with what I've got.
I was trying to find some picture frames to put up in between the tree branches but all the ones I liked were kinda expensive so I came up with the idea of making picture frames out of old cd cases. It's super easy and completely free! Now all I have to do is get pictures of relatives to put up.

I wanted to post some pictures of the past 2 years of me and Jack together but since my laptop has unfortunately died I don't have them :( I'm hoping Jack can fix it somehow so I can use it again soon but until then I just have one of his laptops. Lucky for me he has a lot of computers.

My Best 2 Years

The earliest childhood memory I have is from elementary school. I don't remember much about my life as a very young girl, only what I think I remember because I've seen pictures. I remember some happy times with my sisters, my parents, our family, and I remember some not so happy times.

I started keeping a journal when I was in third grade, and the things I wrote depicted a girl who was sad and lonely.

I remember growing up being in junior high and people saying that the insecurity I felt was "just a phase" and that I would get over it.

And I remember as I got older, and entered high school I didn't get over it. It got worse. I remember all the struggles I had quite vividly, and I remember the feelings I had at those dark moments in my life.

It was more than a phase, it was something I brought on myself and lived with because I didn't know how to get out.

I remember at every point in my life, telling myself in elementary school that when I turned twelve, and graduated, things would get better.

I remember at twelve, thinking when I turned thirteen I would be a teenager and telling myself that things would get better.

I remember at thirteen telling myself that when I turned sixteen and was in high school that things would get better.

And I remember at seventeen, telling myself that when I graduated high school and went on to college that things would get better.

Things never got better.

When I moved away from home and went to Utah, I thought for sure, now that I was on my own, things would get better. But those moments on my own were hard and I had to grow a lot. To realize that the parents you thought were so restricting and impossible to deal with aren't around anymore when you just need somebody is a hard thing. And you make a choice, you either try to fill that emptiness superficially or you find the strength within yourself to finally "grow up".

Well, I'm getting off track here. I had gone through all the phases of my life thinking that things would "get better" and they had gotten steadily worse. I reached the lowest point and thought for sure my life would turn around, but I found myself at the age of nineteen and still feeling lost in the world, still feeling lost around myself.

I met a boy and thought to myself how I wished a boy like that could have feelings for me. I longed to be the kind of person with a past full of happy girl's camp stories and service projects and crystal clear of the reality my life had become, the kind of things that scare nice boys like that away.

I made a decision. I decided I was not going to wait until I graduated college for things to "get better" that I was going to start trying to make things better now. I had been waiting around for too long thinking I could just grow out of a situation I had just been digging myself deeper into.

It wasn't long after I made that decision that I met Jack.

We didn't think much of it at first. He was a nice, cute boy, he thought I was a nice, cute girl. We spent lots of time together, usually with a big group of friends.

I didn't worry about my weight, or my looks so much. I didn't care about getting attention from other guys. I just felt like me, and had fun. I was caught off guard one day. We had spent the entire afternoon playing mud football and decided to go swimming after. I remember as all five or six of us were playing around in the pool I looked up at Jack for a moment and had to catch my breath. I wish I could describe that moment the way I see it so clearly and vividly in my mind. It was the moment of realization for me, that I was falling for this guy. That he seemed to me to be the most perfect person I had ever known, could ever hope to know.

We hadn't even had our first kiss yet, but I knew at that moment that there was something about him, different and more meaningful than any other man.

My life since then hasn't been perfect, and I wouldn't want it that way. But Jack and I have grown together as a couple in a way I didn't understand before I met him.

He is for me everything I could ever hope for, and even his stubborn qualities that I would have thought were less than ideal turn out to be the ones that help me the most. He helps me stay grounded and keeps me laughing all along the way.

It's amazing for me to look back at the person I once was and see how far I've come today. I truly believe every life has a miracle. This was mine. The past two years have had the best moments of my life. Meeting Jack, falling in love, our wedding day, our random road trips and nights spent just enjoying each others company. Deciding to get ready to have a baby, and finding out I was pregnant! The time has really flown by, and I would be disappointed by that if I didn't know that we will have many years to continue to make lasting memories, and soon with a little one in the mix.

I'm so excited and so happy and grateful to God for the miracle my life has become. For my husband and his ability to see past my flaws that at times I would think were too great for anyone to see beyond. He is the one for me, and I only hope he feels a fraction of what I feel.

Each year we spend together is another year I can look back and see how much we've grown, how much I really have been able to become a better person and I know so much of it is because of him. When you're in love you don't ever think it's possible to feel even more in love than you did on your wedding day, but I find new things, and even old things, about Jack that continue to amaze me and I fall more in love with him with each of these moments.

Things have gotten better. I made that choice, and God took care of the rest.

Happy Anniversary to my husband, and to me.
<39.19.07 was just the beginning...

I can't wait to see what's next!

I'm ready for my baby

Well not quite. There are still things around the house and such I would like to do but emotionally, I'm ready.
I want to carry my little baby around with me and have him around while I do things around the house. I dunno, I'm just ready to have my little one with me.

I think I'm starting to get really anxious for when the baby comes. I know the longer it takes for him to get here the better when it comes to preparing things, and being able to work and make money and all (ps I have reached my 90 day point so I qualify for PTO now! YAY!) that but really I just am so excited!
Being pregnant wasn't as hard as I thought, but I should keep my mouth shut because it will probably get really sucky as I get closer to my due date and going into labor probably won't be a walk in the park either!

Something cool that happened this week is... Jack and I (mostly Jack) built a loftbed! And not just any loft bed, we built a King-sized loft bed. Yep!

Here are some photos:


Jack measuring stuff

We ran into a few problems that were a bit frustrating... He looks thrilled eh?

We drilled into the wall studs for support- saved on wood!

The finished product! (Please excuse the mess and non-made bed, I have no excuse for it... not a good one anyway)

All in all it cost us about $20 for wood and the cost of screws. It was fairly easy and we finished in one day! AND we have been sleeping in it for teh past few days and it hasn't collapsed so I'm fairly confident it's good.

:) I love having the extra space and a sneaky place to hide all my junk :P

Now I'm getting ready for mine and Jack's weekend <3 it's our 2nd anniversary (yay!)

And just one last thought before I go... I'm not one to be all up on the celebrity scene and follow who's who and yadda yadda yadda BUT I have to say, maybe it's just the emotions but I think if I met Taylor Swift I would cry. I think she's a super cool person and she just seems like a down to earth, overall sweet girl that knows how to have fun and I think she's awesome!

And that's saying a lot because I really don't like country music!

Tis all <3

Friday...aka Monday

So Friday has pretty much become my Monday because I have off of work Wednesday and Thursday so that's basically my weekend. Today hopefully won't be so bad though. My job isn't bad but I've found I really have have a difficult time working when I'm not having a good day.

I had another doctor's appointment today. Now they think it's something else not a UTI. I got my medication today and am really hoping that it works!! I hope they're right and I get better.

Yesterday Tristan came over and we watched a chick flick (yay!) and hung-out for a bit. Then when the boys got done with work and school we all went to Pirate's Island to try it out. It was super fun! They have theme nights too, we happened to go on karaoke night but unfortunately none of us sang anything. They also have live bands perform on some days, and since it was a pizza place we just got a large pizza and split the bill so it was probably the cheapest meal Jack and I can get- besides when we get the half off appetizers at AppleBee's.

I felt bad cuz I think Tyler was kinda tired but I'm still glad that Tristan and I got to hang-out and we got to go out and do something.

I'm still trying to think of ideas for our anniversary something really inexpensive but fun and relaxing. I'm also trying to think of cute Halloween costume ideas. I had an idea last year to be Batman and Catwoman and the baby to be Robin but I'm worried I might feel a little too fat to be catwoman haha. So I'm still trying to think of ideas.

Anyway, that's pretty much it for today. Also, don't forget today is 9/11 and take a moment to remember the families who lost loved ones on that day!
Oh and I changed my layout and am going to be making more changes to it in time to come.

Tis all.

Doctor doctor

Well, I finished my antibiotics the other day but I'm still having symptoms so today I went to the doctor AGAIN. There was no growth from the cultures they did so basically they don't know what's wrong but now she is thinking there is something else wrong with me that is being masked by UTI symptoms.
So after goin from her to the urologist and then back to the other clinic she wants me to come in on Friday where they are going to do another test to see if they can find anything. In the meantime I have these symptoms that I can't do anything about because she wants the test to show accurate results without interference from antibiotics.

I don't know what's wrong but I just want it to go away. I don't like being uncomfortable and in pain all the time, and it's very frustrating to not even know what's wrong. And for those of you who may think I'm just in pain and uncomfortable because I'm pregnant- you're wrong. My pregnancy has been like most others I'd think and it really isn't that bad. I just feel heavier... that's probably the biggest difference. Occasional spasms of back pain but it's not unbearable.

I kinda talked to Jack about money but he isn't worried about it. Which is a little frustrating but comforting at the same time. He said if I want a savings account I should just get one on my own because he doesn't see the point in it. Which is extremely frustrating and really sad in my opinion but whatever, if that's what I have to do that's what I'll do.

I'm trying to think of things I can do when the baby is born to still pull in some income and I'm trying to learn ever more stuff about web design and such because maybe I can do some layouts and graphic design and stuff during that time. It's something I can easily do at my own leisure and on my own schedule the only problem would be finding people interested. It seems a lot of stuff is going towards flash websites and while I've played around with flash a little bit I just don't get how it works really.

We shall see, I'm also trying to think of some other ideas but I really won't know how much I'll be capable of until after the baby is born.

Anyway, just thought I'd do this quick update so as not to have such a depressing post at the very top of my blog :P

At A Loss

I just don't know what to do anymore... I've been kind of putting off trying to figure out expenses and stuff after the baby is born but I can't anymore.

I was looking into insurance plans today and we don't qualify for anything- not even CHIP because apparently Utah is like the only state that has an income cap for the program. Then I called my employer to find out about their insurance but it doesn't cover anything, it has no preventative care so we would have to pay for all the immunizations and everything out of pocket.

The only other option right now is Jack's insurance which is an extra $300 a month and frankly that's just too much money. We can't afford it and I know we can't.

I feel like Jack doesn't even know what's going on. He keeps talking about planning a trip and going away for our anniversary but we just don't have the money. I can't understand why he wants to spend money on a vacation or something when it just means that will be money that we won't have a month later when the baby is here and we need to pay bills.

Then to top it all off, I was feeling a lot better because we were getting close to actually having some money in our savings account to cover us for a month or so just in case, and Jack goes and transfers ALL of it into the checkings account.
It's so frustrating to me that he doesn't understand the concept of a savings account and the value in it and now I feel even more stressed out and helpless because we don't have any savings anymore.

I just cried for like 20 minutes because I really just don't know what's going to happen. I've thought about selling my car but the value has probably dropped so much now that we wouldn't even get enough of it to make a profit- it would probably only just pay off our loan, if that.

To make things worse, I'm not going to be working for about a month after the baby is born and Jack is acting like nothing is wrong. Sure right now we're scraping by that's mostly because I'm pulling in a paycheck too. But for that month where we will really need the extra money- we're not going to have it.

I just hate how the help programs don't even help us because apparently we make too much money. But if you factor in our expenses, we really don't have that much at all. I just feel so helpless and frustrated. I want to be able to provide for our baby and take care of him and not worry about Jack spending money on things we don't need, and not worry about not having enough to pay our bills.

I haven't purchased anything for weeks besides paying the doctor's office for health care and it's like all my efforts are just negated by the fact Jack doesn't seem to understand that we really are in a financial bind.

I can't talk to him about it because he doesn't acknowledge that there is a problem, and he doesn't see the value in a savings account or anything when I try to explain. It makes me feel very scared for our future. I always thought he had a good grasp on finances and financial planning, but now it seems he is completely clueless. Like the mentality of some high school girl that just thinks as long as there is money in the bank account, it can be spent and there will be no consequences.

I don't know what to do, I'm just really overwhelmed and not happy right now. I just don't know what to do.

I want to talk to Jack about it but I don't know what we can do and I don't want to stress him out and make him feel like he isn't doing enough. At the same time, I think maybe he might need to consider finding a new job, he is definitely underpaid for what he does and we both know it. But can he risk trying to find a new job in this economy? What happens if it doesn't work out or something? Then we're in an even worse predicament.

I just see so many problems and no solutions. I hate feeling like this. It makes me physically sick to see an empty savings account, never in my life would I think a person would fail to see the value in that. But I just know that I can't force him to take my point of view and talking to him about it would probably just make him feel bad and start a fight.

Gah this is so frustrating. I don't even know.

And to make matters worse we had that stupid bank error where they paid our car payment twice and so we were out an extra $600 this month. And no, it doesn't mean that we don't have to pay our payment next month- we still do. *sigh* I just hate everything about this right now.

I don't know what to do.

Maternity Pictures

Just putting the link to my facebook album here for those who wanted to see them:


Click Here
:)

blogging because there's nothing else to do

This problem with my UTI is starting to really get me stressed. I was doing a lot better but then yesterday I forgot to bring my pill swith me when I went out and I didn't get home till late so I took my antibiotic late and now it's hurting a lot.
I'm hoping it's just a temporary thing and will get better, but even with the pain medication they gave me it still hurts. I'm just really starting to worry that this new stronger antibiotic isn't going to be good enough to make me better and if that's the case, I'm going to have all sorts of problems- like a really high risk of the infection spreading to my kidneys and jeopardizing the baby. I guess I'm far enough along that if there was a serious problem, they would maybe be able to deliver the baby early and then try to treat me, but what if it's like the nurse said and the treatment doesn't work? And then if my kidneys fail I can die. I'm really kinda scared and trying to act like things are okay and are going to get better but I really don't know that for sure.

I don't know what to do...

It seems right now everyone is going through a hard time, a lot of my friends are having some of their own problems as well, I just want everything to work out for everyone. It seems like when it rains it pours so maybe this is just something I have to deal with right now and then everything will be okay but I'm skeptical.

I've had these stupid infections since high school and I do everything the doctors say and more and still get sick. I'm just so worried that one day they aren't going to be able to fix it. And it's so painful and awful and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know why it happens to me and I just want it to go away forever.

Trying to stay positive... one thing I am looking forward to is mine and Jack's anniversary. We're planning on going to Manti but is it weird that I don't want to take off of work so we can go? I planned on picking up extra hours and working more once I got home but I just feel so exhausted and tired all the time and then with all these problems and me having to go to the doctor like twice a week I haven't found the time. I just have to try to motivate myself and tell myself the extra money is definitely so worth it but sometimes I feel like it's not.

Maybe if I got a better hold on at least one thing in my life I would feel better. That happens to me sometimes, when I feel like my living space isn't how I want it, my weight and looks aren't how I want it, and I'm not thrilled with my job, I get kinda depressed and start feeling helpless about stuff. I really have to make an effort to get in control of something so I can feel motivated and upbeat again. I'm such a nut. At least I understand it now though, I used to not understand why sometimes I got all down and other times I was fine.

I want to try to be more social and spend time with my friends more, and so many other things. I feel like there is a list of things I want to do that never ends. Maybe I will try this week to work on those things and then I will feel better in a few days and more enthusiastic about working and stuff. Maybe.... hopefully...

Pregnancy is like football

I get the goal, and Jack gets the assist. (excerpt from convo with Pax) Yeah, that whole conversation made me laugh.

Some other favorite pregnancy related conversations:

Meg: "When you're on the delivery I want to scream 'this is all your fault!' at Jack for me"
Yes, it made me laugh, but sorry Meg, I probably won't be doing that. We're both very excited for the little one :)

Meg: "*pew pew pew*" -no further explanation needed :P

Lenny (while talking about me taking lamaze classes): "Breathing is easy, just in and out, in and out."

oh and one more- "uterus=lovesac" I think Marci said that one haha.

I thought I should start documenting these because maybe they're not funny to you but they definitely make me laugh!

The weeks have been flying by and I can't believe how quickly time is going! I'm already 33 weeks pregnant. I had a little scare the past few days- due to a UTI that wasn't treated properly (they think I developed immunity to the antibiotic I was taking) it got much worse and I woke up Tuesday morning with awful cramps and chills. I was so scared that I was going into labor!!

Mind you, I have no idea what contractions are supposed to feel like so I was worried that maybe this was it. Well, they checked me and the doctor said my cervix is perfectly fine and I'm not dilated at all so no worries. I know most women might be disappointed at this news, because they all seem very anxious to have the baby but aside from constantly gaining weight I don't mind being pregnant too much and having the extra time to prepare the babies room, work as much as I can and get money, and all that other stuff is fine with me!

I was informed today that the cramps I felt were probably early contractions because UTI's can cause them. They were painful and now I'm a little scared about my choice to not have an epidural. I think I will have them there just in case. I really don't like the idea of a needle in my back though, or not knowing how hard to push and being numb down there through all that, and having to pay even more money for it, and all that other stuff. But we'll see...

I'm totally bummed about my doctor not telling me when the prenatal classes started in time for me to sign up. But maybe we will be okay without the class. There is just so much to learn and I'm worried that I will do someting wrong.
Right now my biggest concern is just the health of the baby. With all this infection and crap I'm worried about him and I just hope he is okay.

This summer went by fast with all the weddings and everything. We got our brick fence taken down [[YAYAY!! thank you daddy and aaron and of course Jack <3 ]] I got to visit New York and have a surprise party and baby shower with some friends from high school and I had my baby shower here in Utah. We bought the car seat and everything and all we need now is a stroller. I'm so touched and grateful at my grandpa's gift to me, he said he will pay for the stroller!! Now I just have to get it.

Jack and I are doing good but our car payment came out twice last month by accident which was kind of annoying because now things will be kinda tight until he gets paid again. I'm kind of annoyed because we were doing so good and I was really feeling good that we were starting to save a lot more money. But I know everything will be fine, we just have to be aware of what's going on and stuff.

I got some maternity pictures done (thy were free!) and I'm glad that I did. I'm pretty sure I covered all the big stuff from this summer. And now Jack and I are getting ready to celebrate our 2nd anniversary which I'm so excited about! I can't believe how quickly time goes by. I just keep thinking about how our family is going to grow and be 2, 5, or 10 years from now.

Jack and I are very grateful for all the love and support we've had from everyone. We love you all!!