You're A Good Man, Jack M

Today I have been feeling somewhat gloomy... Yesterday was a hard day and Thomas broke my one and only favorite lamp that we have. It's the only lamp I picked out for the house myself and I was just really bummed and annoyed that he broke it. I alsojust finished reading a particularly sad but insightful book called The Space Between Us so that may have something to do with it, but I think that was only partially it. I think the main reason was because lately I have been thinking about my own life and the mistakes made in it.

Sometimes I just have this urge and need to write about my past, my story. Like writing about it will help me understand all the things that happened that don't make any sense, but it gets me worried too. Like, what if someone were to find what I wrote and read it? I don't want people taking things the wrong way, or judging me or worse, members of my family, based off of things that happened years ago. Life is different now, and while I have forgiven people around me and they have forgiven me, I guess in a way, I feel like I'm not really 100% over it. Like maybe I've never really, truly, forgiven myself and so I can't let it go. This book just reminded me of the fact that the past never really leaves us. It seems like no matter how hard I try to forget or shut out certain things, they just keep nagging at me, haunting me, and I can't forget them until I take the time to really think about them. And then they only go away for a brief period of time, only to come back again.

So I finally gave in and started writing. Or perhaps I should say typing. Sad how I don't use pen and paper anymore, but it's much more terrifying, more permanent. Easier for someone to stumble upon... so I use my computer instead. It feels good writing. I thought i wouldn't know how to say the things I wanted to, but things just seemed to fall into place. I said enough without saying too much, and things started making sense to me in a way they hadn't before. Reasons for my actions that I had never thought about. There is so much more to write, I only wrote a few paragraphs briefly summing up from ages 6-13 without going into too much detail, but that is only the beginning of things. I don't know if I'm ready to write the rest, but I feel better having written what I did.

I've tried many, many times before to write something similar to my story, a girl in a similar situation but different, a portion of my experience through the eyes of someone else. But now is the first time I've started from the beginning, changing only a few things and circumstances, and of course names. I know some people would say I shouldn't do it, that it's better to leave the past in the past and move on, but I just can't. I've tried it and it doesn't work, not for me anyway.

So perhaps that is why i was a little gloomy today and maybe why Thomas was so cranky, feeling like I wasn't giving him enough attention or something. Or maybe he was just tired because I finally set him in his crib and he seemed to go to sleep and I started dinner. I was disappointed that a few things for dinner hadn't turned out exactly how I planned but was moving ahead. Jack got home from work early and I guess he could tell I wasn't in the best of moods, and do you know what that wonderful man did? He insisted on helping me finish cooking. Together we prepared the rest of dinner and sat down at the table to enjoy it together. So often when I'm in a bad mood, he just doesn't get it, and I just get annoyed and want to be left alone, but he didn't really say much, just asked if it was something he did and I said no, and went right along trying to make my day a little easier. It meant a lot to me, even if what he did was small.

I know I have a good husband who cares about me and our family and I feel very lucky for that. I never would have thought I would be so lucky to have a person like him. Too often my own insecurities and doubts get in the way of truly appreciating what I have, making me feel like it's all just an act or something, but today was not one of those days. I hope we can have more days like this, and find ways to show each other we care about each other in actions that are meaningful. I'm so blessed to have Jack in my life.